emmaelisabeth

Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein... Mit dir bin ich auch allein. Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich. Mit dir stehen die Sekunden... Lohnen nicht ohne dich.
Das Atmen fällt mir ach so schwer - und die Vögel singen nicht mehr.

It was not long since they stood this close to each other. But something was radically different. I can imagine it looked like an old scene, from when they stood whispering sweet words into each others' ears, though the fundamentals of the scene was quite altered. She leaned in even closer and whispered, her lips touching his cheek, she could hear the panic in her voice even before the words were uttered:

"You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over."

A tear tried to escape from her eye. Not here, she thought. She tried to detach herself from her emotions, tried to look indifferent. Tried to casually wipe the tear away. She felt her grace making room for the panic. Soon she wouldn't be able to control herself.

"I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute."

And then he looked away. Before, his eyes comforting hers. Now they looked dead into the distant.

"I know. But it's over." He turned away, now not only his eyes distant. His whole frame stiffened when she came near. Like what a week ago would be thought of as "not close enough", now was imposing. He took a step back, then turned around and walked away. She stood for a minute, or more like a second, feeling the deep longing for him in her heart growing. Brace yourself, she thought, now's the rough part. Do NOT go after him.

"Come back here! Where not finished! You don't care anymore, is that it?!"

People turning. Looking. Judging. Thinking she was pathetic. He did not want her. She should back off. But she didn't even notice. I cannot breath without him.

"It doesn't matter", the coldness in his voice gone, "it doesn't matter how I feel!"

"Then tell me you don't love me!" He has to love me. "Say it!" His eyes going from cold to normal, then showing some sort of dread. Of losing her? Of her not getting it?

"Is that what you need to hear? Will that help? I don't." Right there. That's the exact moment that she died. "I don't, now let me go!"

"No... no! A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody!"

"No wait. Calm down."

"Don't do that. Don't you do that damn it! Don't talk to me like I'm some stupid..."

You try not thinking of the silence

The deafening silence echoing in your head

Wicked thoughts trying to take form

The boundaries of language saving your sanity

Cause if you could think it, then it would be said

And what has been said, is out there, it's true

You're worthless, you're useless, you're barely you

Your existence imposes on their lives, their space

They ignore your words and forget your face

No one cares, whatever they say

A fire burning in your mind, in your heart all the same

Loneliness and his soaking speech then came

Now, the intensity is gone, there's something you lack

Are you the same, will the fires come back?

With distinguished fires, will you fade away?

Crazy, just foolish? Lonely or lost?

Beggar or pleaser, what is your cause?

Sore and fragile, or strong and complete?

Without the freezing, where is the heat?

Ugliness, imperfection, hollows and shame

Not enough words to give me a name

I cried out "please help me

I'm going to perish, I am not the same"

Scared of tomorrow

"Need help" my lips slipped through once again

They promised they would, but they never came

Screaming, shrieking, to howl and to cry

Don't want to be here, yet don't want to die

Just want you to hold me, to calm and console

Breathing you in, then I feel whole

The smell of you is part of my soul

Placing my hand where I know it belongs

My place on your chest there, it for it longs

Holding on, meaning never to let go

Pushing up against you, I do miss you so

Love not to know where I end and you begin

You taste so good you must be a sin

Don't need you, but want you, want you so near

Be able to call you my darling, my dear

Trying to breathe, though my chest is too small

Or my heart too big, I can't tell at all

Throat thickening, tears everywhere

 I cannot blame you, I do not I swear

It is my own fault, for making you leave

I thought I was enough, I am so naïve

To kiss you, one last time, even on your cheek

To hold you, one last time, that's all I seek

I know I'm not strong, and not fair to you

These are my secrets, they are slipping through

I cannot contain the emotions I feel

To write, to tell you, that is what makes me heal

I've done us both, oh so wrong

By not listening, by not being strong

I beg you forgive, and please don't disappear

I expect nothing - I just want you near

Please stay my friend, though only if you want

I understand if you don't, if you can't

I need now to forget it,

Forgive,

And move on.

But please don't leave me.

I'm still holding on.